Another Wish For You Written April 26 2009

Another Wish For You.
I have another wish, one just for you,
I wish that in everything that you do,
The thing you succeed in is forgetting
what happened. No, I'm not regretting
three months of life that went and changed me,
all I want is for you to see how different we could be.

I wish that wish with all my heart,
That those memories will fall apart.
It's not about putting the past behind us,
It's about living in the happiness I denied us.
I realize that it may be hard for you to believe,
But Woman, I speak with my heart on my sleeve.

I don't know why I continue to speak,
Each conversation with you makes me weak.
You say my words leave you in admiration and awe,
But they leave me feeling open and raw.

So I wish, over and over, again and again,
That you will forget, and so my hurt constrain.
There's so much beauty in this world you should see,
Sometimes I feel that if it were not for me,
You'd be the one I knew you ought to be,
Not the half lost girl I know, imprecisely free.

I have another wish, one just for you,
I wish that in everything that you do,
The thing you succeed in is forgetting
what happened. No, I'm not regretting
three months of life that went and changed me,
all I want is for you to see how different we could be.

Forever Is Not Long Enough Written April Sixth Two thousand and Nine

This is not my forever. This is not my eternity. This is not my today. That will not be my dream. This is not my life. You are not my life. I am my life. And Don't for a second think otherwise. I am growing up. I am changing. You cannot stop me. I cannot stop you from trying to escape this life you've built for all of us. I accept it as reality but I do not accept it as my future. You cannot know the future. You cannot know my future. It is something I must make for myself. This is one part of me not under your influence. I will escape this one day. Your perfectness cannot last. I will escape this one day. There is not room enough for me and your expectations. I Wonder If You Will Miss Me.

I was so ready... Written April 1, 2009

I was so ready.



I was so ready for you to go.

I was so ready to let you go.

I was so ready to forget you.

I was so ready to shrug it off.

I was so ready to move on.

I was so ready to lie to them.

I was so ready to pretend.

I was so ready.....

You should be a memory,
a part of my past,
already long gone,
But you're not.........

I was so ready to have you out of my life, I was already forgetting you, why did you have to go and do something like that?

The stranger living my life is me, and she's not so strange after all. Written March 27, 2009

Is this all real? Can it be?
Is The girl in the mirror somehow me?
So at peace with all around,
The girl that can't keep her mind aground,
can it be
that she is me?

Is it so simple, can it be?
Can my ideal just be... me?
Someone good, not great,
Not perfect, but in a decent state?
Can it be
my ideal is me?

Inhale, exhale, can it be
that all I had to do was find me?
Smiling, sharing, all the best,
Frowning, cursing, and yet blessed.
Can it be
That I've found me?

Oh, truly, can it be?
That someone can look and see me,
Flaws and all, and still believe
I am who I say, with my heart on my sleeve.
Oh, ever, can it be,
that I can show off the girl who is me?

My companion dearest, can it be?
After many a words, that I've found me?
All the nights we've searched and looked,
the fishing line has the girl hooked.
Companion dearest, can it be,
that you are actually happy for me?


Of all these things, all I know,
Is that she was too afraid to show,
her gentle face,
in fear of disgrace,
for not being who she thought,
for not having fought
her inner demons to finally see
the wonderful child that she could be.
She did not think that she had earned
the right to learn of herself what she had learned,
but now she is here to stay,
at least...
She is here for another day.

I'm still here. Will I ever want to be? Written March 15, 2009

I'm still here and I don't want to be,
I'm still here, the woman you will never see.
I've grown, I am eight years old no longer.
I've grown smarter, I've grown stronger.
But there is still something from you that I need.
Something that I can't swallow inward or outward bleed.
I need to know that you'll always be there,
By choice, not the law ordered care.
I need to know that you're worth this,
Worth the times I was dismissed.
All I ever wanted was a loving father
But when I called for you, you couldn't be bothered
to look and see me drowning quick,
I had to beg to make the message stick.
Like I said, I'm stronger these days,
But I need to know you've changed your ways.
I still need a father,
Tell me why I bother.

I'm still here, I never wanted to be.
But that's something you're too busy too see,
I'm not sure that I can hang out much longer,
My desire to escape this place has only grown stronger.
In hindsight, kinship creates not love nor need....
Family blood is just something that we bleed.

God Knows She Means Well, But My Heart Has No Idea [Written -- 3•3•09]

It feels like a kind of private crime,
The way she always takes what mine,
Without even acknowledging that
She can steal my livelihood in a little chat.
It's not in my head, I'm not faking it,
But as far as my heart, she's shaking it.
There he is, everything I've ever wanted,
He's made me forget the boys she's flaunted.
And up she looks, innocent as can be,
And of all people explains to me,
That this stranger to her,
Made her insides stir.
She chose him, and she gets what she wants,
Even if her time with him would be another of her jaunts.
A different day, A different boy, and I'd join her glee,
But he owns a heart, and it belongs to me.

Second Chances To Go Back In Time Written -- 2•27•09

I wish that I could take it all back
rewind time, erase what I've done.
Not shed those tears,
Not have said yes,
Not have chosen that place,
Not have been born.
What are second chances? Reminders of mistakes past.
Something pulling at all the peices of my heart,
urging me to do something,
make up for all the suffering I caused them
with pain and worry of my own?
No.
I want to go back in time to summer,
when there was love and friendships that would last forever,
when there would always be "later" to go to bed,
when three AM was the perfect time to talk on the phone.
I want to erase what I did to ruin it all.
I want to fix it all.
I want for everything to be so perfect and simple
like it was then.
I want it all back,
name your price....

But I'd settle for a second chance.

Deception or Perception? Written -- February 14th TwoThousandNine

Deception or Perception?

No one is like this, What tricks do you play?
You see my stares, make of them what you may,
I have been deceived, or so it would seem,
Into thinking that you saw it in me.
That flame of who I really am, that so
Often is concealed. That flame wants to go
To see Who it is that makes my soul shine.
Although only in my mind you are mine.
Around you, the dead in me comes to life.
Your smile makes me forget all my strife.
Maybe my imagination is wild,
Maybe your true deception is mild.
Your infectious happiness calms me,
Your wise eyes more fathomless than the sea.
No matter what you see in me I know
That you're something different than what you show.
I guess it's perception that makes me see
Dark sweetness in you, and what we could be.

Picture Show -- Written February 3, 2009

Emotions strewn about the floor
in messy heaps.
Memories squeeze inside them,
emotional photographs to keep.

Picture shows play themselves,
movies in the mind.
The old days play on the screen
back when everything was gentle and kind.

It really hasn't been so long
The memories are fresh.
But just as old as the memories
is when they were seen in the flesh.

Nostalgia is a sneaky thing
and when the memories are played
is sets in and despite best efforts
it almost always stays.

The beauty in the memory
is heartbreaking at least,
More stunning than the
ascending sun in the East.

And just as a sunrise
the memories are gone.
After all, you know we
can't live in the past for long.

To Hell -- Written January 28, 2009

To hell with the superficial,
And all that's not real,

What's the point of living
if we can't act how we feel?

To hell with forced smiles,
On painted faces,

When our minds just want to escape,
To much saner places.

To hell with social grace,
I'm waiting for the Neanderthal revert.

No one can really complain,
Because there's no human left Unhurt.

I guess.... Written January 28, 2009

There's something that makes us hold onto things that are better off let go.

Sometimes in a moment of weakness you realize the strength of those closest to you,

and in those same moments you realize who those closest to you really are.

When you're on top of the world, everyone wants to know what's the matter.

When you're on the verge of self-destruction, suddenly everyone is just as self important as you are.

And when you have finally gone and broken yourself, those you expect to help put you back together have

abandoned

you, and those you considered minor players in your life put you back

together.

And in that moment everything will change.

And everything you thought was whole will become broken,

and the

brokenness

will only make you grow.